Stop trying to control your thoughts
Thoughts come, thoughts go…
As someone who teaches mindfulness and meditation, one of the key motivations I hear from people who want to learn is “I want to control my thoughts.”
Other variations include “I want to stop thinking negative thoughts,” or “I want to make myself think more positive.”
Pursuing this motivation leads to a great deal of frustration — not just when it comes to mindfulness and meditation, but when it comes to general self-improvement (the amount of self-help books espousing “positive thinking” could fill a large room…if not a small library).
The frustration stems from one major drawback when it comes to trying to control your thoughts: you can’t do it.
Before this digresses into a debate over free will, I would encourage you to explore where your thoughts come from. What causes the next thought to pop into your head? Sure, sometimes a thought related to your immediate environment or the task at hand materializes and seemingly “fits” with what is happening. Other times, thoughts appear random and can range from something that happened to you in grade school to the guy that cut you off in traffic last week.
The bottom line is, thoughts come and go. Trying to control what thoughts occur when, or trying to stop certain thoughts from happening altogether, is a poor use of your time and energy.
Side note: trying NOT to think of something actually makes it more likely that you will. It’s called Ironic process theory, and refers to the psychological process whereby deliberate attempts to suppress certain thoughts make them more likely to surface.
There is good news, however. If you accept that you can’t control your thoughts, you can focus your efforts on what you can do: you can cultivate awareness of them, and develop the skill of observing mind-made activity without getting caught up in it. In doing so, you learn to interrupt the processes that lead to conditioned behavior and habitual actions and reactions.
Through practice, you can become better at watching your thoughts as they happen; this is the essence of meditation. The first thing you will notice is there is a constant dialogue in your head. You may have caught glimpses of it before, but — most likely — you never realized the extent of its presence (or, how compulsive it is). We are usually aware of only a small portion of what actually goes on in our minds at any given time.
Self-experiment: if you want to prove (or try to dis-prove) this to yourself, start a timer for 10 minutes, sit down with a pen and paper, and write down every thought you have. Most people don’t make it the entire 10 minutes!
Your mind is constantly going. Thoughts pop up, they lead to feelings and emotions, and those feelings and emotions lead to actions and reactions. Quite often, this process (thought-emotion-action) is automatic. Awareness and observation, however, allow you to interrupt it.
By watching your thoughts, you can learn not to attach to them…not to get swept away by them. You can learn to see them for what they are: temporary. They come and they go, even though your mind tries to make you believe they are permanent (when you are experiencing anxiety or depression, you believe it will never go away…which makes it even worse).
The same is true with feelings and emotions — you don’t have to dwell on them or wallow in them. You don’t have to follow them down a path that culminates in conditioned behavior. Instead, you can watch emotions arise, and you can watch emotions cease. Nothing is permanent.
In short, the content of your thoughts does not matter. What matters is how you let your thoughts — and all mental activity — affect you. Thoughts are like clouds floating across the sky: instead of getting caught up in them, you can choose to observe them and let them pass. They only hold power over you if you continue to blindly follow them wherever they lead.
Unfortunately, people usually go through life like this — operating on autopilot, being led around by their minds. As a result, their daily existence is mired in what we commonly refer to as “the struggles of life”: stress, anxiety, worry, fear, depression, self-doubt, et cetera.
You don’t have to live on autopilot, however. You can start practicing now — you can cultivate awareness, become proficient at observing mind-made activity, and interrupt the automatic process of thought-emotion-action.
The more you practice, the better you get. And, life improves dramatically as a result.
If this resonated with you, take a look at our online course: An owner’s guide to your mind.
Where to now?
We go through life distracted.
Whether you realize it or not, it’s our normal state.
All of us are immersed in a never-ending stream of thoughts and emotions. They hijack our attention, and cause the struggles we deal with every day (continue reading)…
Why mindfulness and meditation?
We go through life distracted.
Whether you realize it or not, it's our normal state.
All of us are immersed in a never-ending stream of thoughts and emotions. They hijack our attention, and cause the struggles we deal with every day:
> Stress
> Anxiety
> Self-doubt
> A lack of focus
> Fear
> Regret
> Depression
> Endless worry
> Sleep issues
> And on and on...
What we fail to understand is the root cause of these struggles is our mind and its non-stop activity.
As a result, we try to cope in different ways:
We acquire material things.
We change jobs.
We end one relationship and start another.
We go to therapy.
We drink or self-medicate.
We take vacations.
We bury ourselves in work, games, or other activities.
At best, these deliver temporary relief. But, our struggles always return because no matter what we do, we can't escape our minds.
There's no healthy way to suppress thoughts and emotions. Burying them under motivational platitudes doesn't work. And, it's impossible to force yourself to "think positive" on a consistent basis.
What you can do, however, is learn to understand your mind's compulsive nature. You can stop indulging the stories playing in your head. And, you can distance yourself from an inner narrative that comments on and judges everything.
Mindfulness and meditation - properly taught and applied - help you do exactly that.
Or, you can accept the status quo: going through your day on autopilot, held hostage by the next thought, emotion, or urge that pops into your head.
This mental noise weighs you down with worry, fear, self-doubt, and regret. It leads to struggles with stress, anxiety, and depression.
Accepting the status quo means you continue to suffer, whether in relationships, at work or school, in your health and well-being, or with the experience of everyday life.
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Most people are taught when sitting in meditation to watch their thoughts, feelings, everything which comes into awareness and let it go. Focus on your breath. Simply watch what arises and let it go. Focus on your breath.
The preoccupation with watching and letting go in meditation can easily continue the separation of our small mental stream from the great body of awareness of who we really are. The mental activity of watching and letting go can keep us entertained with the busyness of our ego while keeping us from deeper levels of meditation. It is in deeper meditation where we discover the love of our core self and a vast inner universe. In other words, meditation is much more than merely watching and letting go. No wonder many people give up on daily sitting. The endless thoughts, tiredness, boredom that seem to be waiting for us each time we sit are not much reward to continue a meditation practice.
Mindfully watching and letting go can lead to devaluing our thoughts, feelings, the story of our life. When we are told the life passing by our inner screen is only distraction, only clouds covering the large sky of awareness, we can downgrade important parts of who we are. The thoughts and feelings we are watching and hoping will disappear can lose their life force. We can forget there is purpose. In our detached observing and our desire to let everything go, we can be detaching and letting go instead of embracing life. The thoughts, feelings, and story filling our awareness are expressions of our life energy. These are our thoughts, our feelings which we are told are interrupting the clarity of meditation. If we are only watching and letting go we can be separating ourselves from the power, the life juice which our thoughts and feelings come from and are made of. Instead of feeling bigger, we can be left feeling small and unsuccessful. Many people try and quit meditation. They feel it maybe great for others but for me, thinking about not thinking seems like a waste of time and effort.
Watching and letting go of our mental activity by itself can be just an exercise of more mental activity. It can be an unending adventure of the ego watching and trying to let go of itself. Instead of trying to get our grasping ego to let go of itself, there is a loving presence, the love of our natural awareness, inviting us deeper within. The hope and power of meditation is to widen the river of our mental world to the ocean of being that is who we really are. Sitting and waiting for glimpses of clear viewing in the midst of a busy mental stream is not the same as clear being, experiencing awareness as a great body of peaceful presence.
The path to the great love of our core being begins with valuing and embracing the thought and feeling passing in our meditation. Instead of merely watching and letting go, we can embrace our mental stream. When we embrace the stream of thoughts, we are right away including our heart essence. Meditation is this embrace, feeling the presence of our heart in our awareness. This presence is underneath, in, and all around the inner voice, the stream of thought. As our awareness includes the greater presence we find inside, the engine of our mind slows down, the busy voice of our ego calms. Our experience of heart strengthens. We are no longer waiting for a break in the clouds, a clearing in our thoughts. Meditation is feeling the body of presence in our heart. Our meditation is bigger than the thought and feeling floating down our inner river. Meditation is the daily connection with the part of us that is much greater.
With practice, no matter what or how much thought and feeling come and go, we are identifying with something more, a brilliant stillness, the gentle vastness, the awe that is within us. Meditation is changing our identification from the narrow focus on thought and feeling. Meditation is sitting with something greater than today’s page in this chapter of our life story. Meditation is remembering the expansive peace in our heart which is so much more than the ups and downs on any page of our personal story. Meditation is directly receiving our heart essence. Our mental activity lessens as the inner well of our lightness of being is experienced. The strength of the busy mental activity decreases as the awareness of our inner silence grows. We are beginning to experience our core self, our no self with by its magnitude heals the unnecessary habit of always thinking. We can learn to be, heartfully present.
If we are going to take the time to meditate lets not just sit here watching and letting go.
More than needing to be mindful, lets be heart full. More than finding a few centering words, we can receive directly the quietude inside which carries us. There are realms of complete acceptance, an intimacy of soul and spirit to discover in deeper meditation.
As the culture of meditation grows and spreads it is important that we guide one another to the true garden, the real fruit which meditation offers. Sacred emptiness waits for us. This emptiness fulfills the part of us, our personality, that is seemingly always struggling. This sanctuary of emptiness heals the part of us that wants more, needs to be busy, that can’t have enough no matter how much we have. There is a home inside of each of us. Its walls, roof, and floor are a diamond light of unlimited emptiness. This home speaks directly to our materialism, greed, anger, and mistrust. Sacredness and holiness are words with meaning as we connect to the very real wordless encounter of a loving emptiness which is full of warm presence.
Meditation is so much more than watching and letting go. Life is much more than observing, letting go of grasping, and trying to control the events and characters of our story. Meditation takes down the veil, lightens the filter, uncovering our essence and true being. Meditation is devotion, understanding, humility, and joy. Meditation is true whenever our heart is involved. We are discovering consciousness. Meditation is washing away everything occupying the Divinity of awareness. This daily bath of our awareness is important if we are to stay in touch with our unworldly self, our true self, our innocence, and life’s beauty. Lets tell everyone hesitant to try or about to give up on meditation, the magical life of your heart and deep joy depend upon it. Meditation, absorbing the essence of our heart, frees our mind. Meditation brings forward the richness of consciousness, inner worlds beyond our imagination, and perhaps most important, the simplicity of this moment of love.
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How to Let Go of Thoughts and Feelings
Four Methods:Making New Thought PatternsUnderstanding the MindDeveloping Deeper SkillsStaying PositiveCommunity Q&A
Negative thoughts and feelings have a way of popping up at inconvenient times and distracting us from the good things in life. Before long, our minds begin to slide toward negativity more often than not, and dwelling on dark emotions becomes a bad habit that's hard to kick. But, like breaking any other habit, it requires retraining yourself to think in a different way
When we are stressed we often have a million and one things happening at once and a chattering mind is one of the last things we need. Therefore, it’s very important to be able to spend some time to relax, put things in context and to let go.
See Step 1 and beyond to learn how to quiet your racing mind.
Method
1
Making New Thought Patterns
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Be in the moment. When your thoughts are spinning out of control, what are you normally thinking about? Chances are, you're dwelling on something that happened in the past - even if it just happened last week - or you're obsessing over something that has yet to happen. The key to stopping those thoughts in their tracks is to be aware of the present moment. Noticing what's happening right now necessarily yanks your thoughts out of those dark corners. This is because very often the thoughts stop just by focusing on them because they are suddenly exposed to scrutiny and your inner desires that are creating the thought process is seen in a different light. It sounds so simple, but as you probably know, it's not always easy to do. Here are a few ways to become more aware of what's happening right this second:
If you look at a calming image, the mind can relax and let go all on its own, but it only happens when you stop trying and expecting it to happen. This is a good primary method to relax and calm the mind.
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Engage with the world around you. Part of the downside of dwelling on negative memories or emotions is that you're forced to be a little distant from what's going on outside your head. When you consciously decide that you're going to come out of your shell and engage with the world, you leave less room in your mind for those niggling thoughts and feelings that normally sap your mental energy. By judging yourself on the theme of those thoughts it can actually make the problem harder to deal with. You might have been thinking about how much you don't like someone then feel guilty or angry for it. This then trains the mind to become habitual or ingrained as a cause and effect process and it becomes harder in future to be in control. Here are a few ways to start engaging on a basic level:
Be a better listener during conversations. Take time to really absorb what the other person is telling you, instead of half-listening while you worry about other things. Ask questions, share advice, and generally be a good conversationalist.
Consider volunteering or otherwise getting involved in your community. You'll meet new people and be exposed to interesting and important topics that may just outweigh the thoughts and feelings you're trying to let go.
Look down at your body. Pay attention to where you're sitting. Be attuned to your immediate surroundings. Your reality is where you are right now. It's impossible to go back to yesterday, and it's impossible to predict what will happen tomorrow. Keep your thoughts engaged with your physical presence in the current moment.[1]
Say something mentally or out loud. The physical act of making a sound will pull your thoughts to the present. Say "This is the present," or "I am here." Repeat it until your thoughts are pulled to the present.
Go outside. Changing your immediate environment can help your thoughts move back to the present as your senses are occupied with expanding to take in more data. Observe the way is the world is moving around you, each being living in his or her own present. Focus on small changes, like a bird alighting or a leaf whirling on the sidewalk.
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Be less self conscious. Self-negativity in its wide scope of forms is also the instigator of negative thoughts and feelings for many people. When you're self conscious, it's as though you have a second reel running through your head, distracting you no matter what else you're doing. For example, when you're talking to someone, you're thinking about how you look, or what impression you're having, instead of fully participating in the conversation. Curbing self consciousness is essential when it comes to letting go of negative thoughts and feelings so you can participate fully in life.
Practice being more present by doing activities that completely absorb you and make you feel confident in your abilities. For example, if you're good at baking, savor the experience of sifting the dry ingredients, mixing the batter, filling the cake pan, smelling the aroma of your creation as it fills the kitchen, taking the first bite when it's ready.
When you experience present moment awareness, explore it and remember how it feels, as well as how you got there and recreate it as often as possible. Remember that the only thing keeping you from feeling that freedom in other situations is your own mind, and put aside self-criticism from your daily thought process.
Method
2
Understanding the Mind
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Consider your relationship with the thought or feeling. Thoughts usually run out of habit so will pop up again, when you stop being aware. Resolve to let those go as well as not only do you have to stop the chain, you have to prevent new ones.
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Observe what's going on to develop an insight and an understanding of how thoughts and feelings control you. By watching the thoughts, it doesn't take too long to see there is two distinct things happening - a theme and a process. The process is the thinking or expressing feelings.
The mind doesn't always need a theme to think, that's when the mind chatters away over what seems an illogical and fairly wild stream of thought. The mind is using thought just like a pacifier or a distraction and often does it when there is physical pain, when it is afraid or trying to protect itself from something. If you watch the mind like a machine, you can sometimes see the mind just grabbing whatever it can find or sense to use as a theme or topic of thought.
Theme based thinking is much more obvious, you might be angry, worried or have a particular feeling over an issue and you think about that issue. These thoughts tend to be repetitive and focused just on the theme at hand.
The difficulty is that there is a pretty central problem: essentially the mind has to be disinterested or disenchanted with the theme & process of thinking or emotionally feeling. Often this is helped greatly by recognizing that the theme and the feeling or thought process at hand is not helping us at the moment. There are a lot of feelings & thought subjects we don't want to let go of or view as being stressful because we often want to explore the themes and issues they represent (such as when being angry, or being anxious etc, we want to think about the who, where, what, why etc).
This specific "wanting to think about" or just "wanting to think", is more powerful than our desire to let go - letting go is really hard when it is simply outweighed by a stronger desire. When we aren't careful or being aware, we just start fighting ourselves which is also part of the trick if you are thinking for the sake of thinking. Fighting becomes another distraction from the issue the mind is running away from - the mind is still in complete control, even though it doesn't look like it. You have to counter the strong "wanting to think about" with a gentle but very persistent "OK, it's time to move on and let go" until eventually the desire to let go is stronger than the desire to think about the issue.
The other problem is feelings are something we see as part of our identity or part of us. We have no desire to recognise that part of us can cause us pain or misery, or that they are able to make us unhappy. People are often trained to think that "all" feelings are precious when they are "me" or "mine". Some feelings cause stress, but some don't. This explains the whole method, you have to observe the thought and feeling long enough to decide - without condemning yourself - if the feeling is worth keeping, or worth letting go of.
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Compare this theory to your own experience. If you have a theme based thought you want to let go of think about, try some of these experiments::
Try as hard as you can to avoid thinking about a polar bear, or (more unusual) a purple polka-dot flamingo drinking a cup of coffee. This experiment is quite an old one but still a good one to show the dynamics of thought. The simple fact of the matter is to be able to maintain an effort not to think about polar bears, or when we experience an unhappy thought, we struggle against it, both trying to suppress a thought and struggling against a thought both require applied and sustained effort and the theme (such as the polar bear) as an object. If you keep trying or fighting not to think about it, the bear stays put.
Say you are holding a pen in your hand and want to let go of it.
In order to put the pen down, you have to be holding it.
When you continue to want to put it down, you have to "continue" to hold it.
Logically you can't put it down when you are still holding it.
The more effort and intention applied in "wanting" to put it down, the more grip is applied on the pen.
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Learn to let go by relaxing your fight against the feelings and thoughts. These same physics apply in the mind. Because we are trying to force the thoughts away, the more we hold on to them to be able to apply the force of forcing it to go. The harder we try to force it, the more we are tensing and crushing the mind. The mind however responds as though it is being attacked.
The way out is instead of forcing it, just relax the grip. The pen falls out your hand all on its own the same as thoughts and feelings. You may need a little time - if you were using force it may be imprinted on the mind for a short while, because the mind is so used to fighting it so it has become almost ingrained as a mental occupation.
This is so much like the mind really. When we clamp on to thoughts and feelings by exploring them, or trying to destroy them - they are going nowhere - they are locked in tight. We have to relax the grip in order to be able to let them go.
Method
3
Developing Deeper Skills
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Develop some skills to use when the thought or feeling arises. There is a host of things you can try or ask yourself when there is a thought or feeling that just keeps repeating. Here are some good things to consider or try:
Have you ever read a book, seen a movie or done anything so many times you know everything about it and it just seems uninteresting and boring? If you do the same and watch the thought and be uninterested with it, there is no more attachment to it so its easier to let go.
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Don't run away from negative feelings. You're tired of thoughts and feelings that never seem to leave your mind, but have you taken the time to face them head on? When you try to ignore thoughts and feelings instead of acknowledging them, they may never go away. Allow yourself to deeply feel what you need to feel before you start the process of letting go. If your mind is trying to force-feed you thought chains or emotions, judgements are another tool it can use to dominate you. It is wise to remember that our mind is the source of all our manipulative skills so the mind knows more tricks than we are often aware of. It does this as the parts of the mind that crave and are addicted to things want to stay wild with our desires running and controlling us. By and large it is our addictions that drive us all.
A useful mantra in facing the feelings and thoughts is to recall that you must be responsible for your own happiness and they don't have to control your life. Ultimately if you let the past or worries about the future as well as other desires control your happiness, they will never come up with the goods.
Manipulate the thought. Run it backwards, twist it, bend it, change it - eventually you can see that you are running the show. By substituting an unpleasant thought with a more soothing thought chain, is a temporary fix, but still a good one in times of need. You can let go of the issue easier when you feel you have more safer ground to stand on.
If your racing thoughts and feelings are related to a problem you have yet to solve, think it through, then take measures to remedy the situation, even if you have to accept that the situation is completely beyond control.
If the thoughts and feelings are related to a sad event, like a breakup or a death in the family, allow yourself to feel the sadness. Look at a picture of the person you're missing and think about memories you shared. Let yourself cry if it helps the process - remember its perfectly all-right to be a human being. It might also help to write down your emotions in a journal.
Method
4
Staying Positive
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Have some tricks up your sleeve. When you're feeling stressed, overworked or generally down in some way, thoughts and feelings you thought were gone for good tend to come creeping back. When that happens, you need to have a few fallback methods that will help you get through the low moments without allowing certain thoughts and feelings to completely take over.
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Practice visualization. If you are a busy person with little time to relax, visualising can help greatly. One example to consider is this image (or any memory of a beautiful or happy place you can remember from your life):
Imagine a pleasant, beautiful and empty field dotted with flowers and other scenic aspects. Take a minute exploring the open space, open blue sky and clean air. Then imagine a city built on the field with towers and buildings, streets and vehicles. Now let the city slowly disappear again, leaving the empty, beautiful field. The relevance of this image is that the field represents that our mind is primarily empty and peaceful, but we have built a city of thoughts and feelings on top of it. Over time we get used to the city and forget that underneath it, the empty field is actually still there. When you let go of them, the buildings go and the field (peace and quiet) returns.
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Reflect on your achievements. The world is full of the small joys of helping others, finishing jobs and goals, going outside and seeing a beautiful scene or sunset or enjoying a delightful meal with friends or family. In practice by reflecting on the beautiful aspects of life builds confidence as well as increases your enjoyment of future experiences.
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Take good care of yourself. When you're not feeling well, it's difficult to muster the strength and energy to keep yourself feeling optimistic. Do what it takes to keep your mind, body and spirit healthy - those negative thoughts and feelings will be a lot less likely to take hold.
Get plenty of sleep. When you're running on a sleep deficit, it's difficult to keep your mind functioning in a positive way. Get 7 or 8 hours of sleep every night.
Eat well. Have a balanced diet full of all the nutrients your brain needs to stay healthy. Make sure you get plenty of fruits and vegetables.
Exercise regularly. Having a good exercise routine will keep stress at bay as well as helping your body stay in good shape. Both of these effects have a big influence on the thoughts and feelings that occupy your mind.
Avoid alcohol and drugs. Alcohol is a depressant, and drinking it too much can cause your thoughts to spin out of control. The same is true of many types of drugs. If you regularly consume a lot of drugs and alcohol, consider cutting back to improve your mental health.
Seek counseling when necessary. Caring for mental health is as important as caring for your physical health. If you're having trouble controlling your thoughts, don't try to manage everything on your own. Seek out a professional - a counselor, religious advisor, social worker, or psychiatrist - who can help you get back on a positive path.
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